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My GACKTish Days

and some other days

Whoa It's 2018
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I've stayed away from this blog for so long. Not really on purpose, I've always wanted to come back and blog again. But my chapter of GACKT frenzy came to an end (although I am still a fan and forever will be), so I guess I didn't feel appropriate to keep writing here.

It's January 5, 2018.
I have gone throuh so many changes in my life since the last time I was here.
I have been through a lot of inner changes in my spiritual journey.
I have grown, and continue to grow, always stumbling along the way.
It never ends.

I've been using FB as of late, but that platform drives me crazy after a while. It's great to keep connected with friends and family, and it is good if you want to engage in political activities with other like-minded people, but that's about it.
I've missed the freedom and semi-anonymity of LiveJournal, and reading back some of the old entries confirmed it.
I need to start blogging here again. Even if I'm the only reader.

So here I am.
I don't even know who's still on here. lol
But I have missed my fandom friends.
Say hi if you're still here.

Not a poem
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When you have a bug in your system that's keeping you sick and tired
And all you seem to do is work work work and catch cat naps
And love makes you dumber than you thought you could ever be

You go out to the world and talk to people
Touched by their smiles and kindness
Even make jokes and laugh with them
And yet you feel they are so alien to you

Then you wonder what sort of mental state you are in

Hunger Game [Spoiler]
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So, I finally watched this movie when I totally had no such time, but I had lots of laundry to fold, so I multi-taksed hahahaha~.
I knew its premise was very similar to the Japanese Battle Royale series.

After watching this, I wanted to say something about it, but since it's almost 5AM and I need to sleep, I'll just make it short.

As a movie, it was actually quite enjoyable. It was a well-made movie overall. But I don't know if they could've pulled it off quite as well without Jennifer Lawrence, though. She's just an outstanding actress.

But I do have qualms about it.

It totally feels like a story out of a parallel universe to me. And I felt the same thing with Battle Royale.
Just the simple premise that human beings, as society as a whole, will make a game (no matter how glorified) out of forcing children to kill each other for the purpose of....providing entertainment as well as maintaining fear in people is so inhuman to me, it just could not happen to our species.
I do know that crueler things have happened in the history of humankind. But never in the form of the entire society (OK, maybe just the ruling class in the movie, but still) enjoying watching children slaughter each other until there's only one left.

And I have a problem when people say things like "This movie is so scary because this could happen right now (or in the near future)!!", and believe me, I have actually heard this said.
I mean.... COME ON, how could you be living in a society where you really think something like that could happen without running far away into the deep woods and mountains and never come back? If I believed something like this could happen to us now, or even in the future hundred years from now, I would be so depressed, I couldn't even function normally. I would lose hope. (Ironically, the reason why they do this competition and have a 'victor' in the end in the movie is to provide people with just enough hope so they'd stay obedient. Uhhhmmm, nope, not working for me.)

I believe in the fundamental goodness in people as a whole.
I believe in the majority of humans having conscience.
I believe that most people would not tolerate such cruelty as 'entertainment', not now, not ever.
So, while I did enjoy the movie and did feel emotional connection with the heroine and some of the other 'tributes', it was as a complete fantasy that could never happen in reality.

No, this wasn't really a rant. X'D
I just wanted to express how flabbergasted I feel when people watch these movies and actually think it could happen in real life.
(I know, it wasn't that short, was it? =3=)

Ah. Bed. Why do I do this to myself...  orz
Well, at least the clothes are folded now.

ETA: Since it seems I didn't make myself clear in the post, it's not the oppressed that have to live with Hunger Games that I find unrealistic. They are realistic. What I find unrealistic are an entire class of people where the majority actually 'enjoy' watching kids murder each other as a form of 'entertainment'. I know how minds can be manipulated, brainwashed. But even then, I cannot bring myself to believe in the existence of 'a large group' of people (meaning, not a group of psychopathic misfits) seeing that as entertainment. If that actually happened, I'd consider that society not one of our own, but of a group of beings born with mutated genes lacking in conscience.

Being Forgiving
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Coni and I were talking about 'being forgiving' the other day.
And I admit, I am a very forgiving person.
Meaning, I don't hold grudges, or see someone in a bad light, because of something they did to me (or think that they did to me) for very long.
And this seems to happen automatically, there's no effort on my part.

Is it because I'm 'nice'? 'Generous'?
Hmmmm, not really. lol

I just don't hold those negative feelings very long because I know they only really hurt me.

I grew up with so much anger and hatred and frustration that, at one point in my life several years ago, I just quit harboring them.
Anger and hatred require soooo much energy, constantly. I just got too tired of feeding them all the time.
Couldn't do it anymore.
They were too much, too heavy, and not allowing me to be the me I was born to be.
So, I quit them.

Maybe that's what it means to 'mature'..., to gain the ability to turn negative energies into positive energies.  I don't know...

Now that I've talked about being forgiving, I'll talk about something that just got me mad. >:D  LMAO

I really didn't know about the most recent G rumor. But enough friends kept mentioning it on Twitter and LJ, I just had to read an article.
Another complete tabloid fantasy. They even got some widely known facts wrong. Oh lord. *cackles*
It made me laugh more than anything, really.
UNTIL I saw them quote his beloved grandmother at the end.

I can't stand it when they abuse love like that, especially of such a great old lady.
And their deep bond and connection.
Totally unacceptable.
There aren't many things that get me mad, but stuff like this does.
Why stoop so low.
What do you tell yourselves when you close your eyes to fall sleep?
Or when you're looking into your childrens' eyes?
And no, don't give me that "I'm only doing this to feed my family" BS, either.

So much for being forgiving, huh?
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Ender's Game
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Today, I went to see Man of Steel with No.1.
Of course, I have other movies I want to watch, too, like Wolverine (but too violent for No.1, maybe) and Pacific Rim (Oh yeah, I LOVE action lol), but Man of Steel directed by Nolan?
Of course I had to go see it.
Anyway, I did like the movie a lot, although I think it could've been better and not quite up to Nolan's usual (magical) standards.
But the actor playing Superman (sorry, I don't even know your name, Mr. Actor-Playing-Superman) was HAAAWWT. =*0*=

But that's not why I'm making a post, as you could probably tell by the title of the post. lol

I LOVE watching trailers before the actual movie starts.
It's one of the highlights of the whole movie-going experience for me. lol
There were some wonderful trailers today, including Thor 2, The Hobbit 2 (OH WHY HELLO MY PRINCE LEGOLAS), Gravity, and Kick-Ass 2. I want to see them ALL. lol

But my eyes got so big when I saw the trailer for Ender's Game!!!!
The boy from Hugo playing Ender!! (I have no objection to this, actually... <3)
After all the issues and obstacles and disappointments, it's finally here... :'D

Why am I so excited?
Why, Ender's Game is only my favorite sci-fi novel of ALL TIME!
Actually, I adore the first three books of the Ender's saga. These books have profound messages behind them, imho.

I was trying so hard not to squeal like a crazy fangirl in the theater. :'D

Well, of course I want the movie to be good, after all these years of hard labor.
But I've actually been waiting to see this on a theater screen for SO LONG that I don't really care too much about the quality, I just want to see it!!! lol

Well, the proof of just how much I love this novel is in plain sight.
Both usernames, excused_early and Val, come from this book.

Time to read the book again?


ETA: What? How come I didn't know until now, you mock me?  I was in Japan for a month when the trailers first came out. Leave me alone. =3=;;;

Giving Thanks
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Now that I've talked about friendship...

I think it's a good opportunity for me to thank someone.

I was going through a really rough time for several months this year.  Well, it actually started around the end of 2012, I guess...
It was a crazy emotional roller coaster ride that I knew I needed to get off of, but simply couldn't/wouldn't.
I spent so many days and nights obsessed about it, crying about it, alternately facepalming and headdesking about it as well as about myself.  I felt like an idiot who couldn't stop being one.

But through it all, Connie was there, supporting me.
She has been the fiercest cheerleader and my personal motivational speaker.  lol
She would listen to my pathetic and ridiculous ramblings with so much patience.
She was there whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. No matter how busy, she tried to be there for me as much as she could.
She understood what I was going through, often without me even having to complete the sentences. lol
She would help me see things from slightly different POVs.
She would make me laugh despite the depressing and frustrating circumstances.
She would cheer me on, telling me I can do the right thing for myself, that I'm strong and deserve much better.
But whenever I didn't do what she'd suggested (despite a looooong convo, even), she would immediately accept it and comfort me, telling me it's OK, without making me feel like a total disappointment and a disaster (which I was).
And then, she would immediately start cheer-leading for me again, trying to help me get out of the unhealthy situation ASAP.
It was a great comfort to know that she would always be there if I really needed someone to talk to, and that she would be there to catch me if that crazy roller coaster ever threw me up in the air and slammed me down to the ground.

But most of all, I thank her for supporting me without passing ANY judgment, without ever preaching to me, and without making me feel more an idiot than I already did anyway.  And for allowing me to make my own mistakes and learn from them, no matter how frustrating it must've been for her at times. lol

Without you, I honestly don't know if I could've survived those months, and it makes me choked up when I think about the gravity of the support you gave me during those months.
It really meant the world to me.
From you, I learned what it really means to support a friend.
I just wanted you to know this, because I wasn't sure if you did. lol

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, my Doom Sister♥
And thank you, GACKT, for allowing us to come together in Japan this summer!

P.S. There are other friends who gave me their support on this issue, too. I want to make sure they know that their support meant so much to me, too. Thank you, guys. You know who you are.

P.P.S.  And yes, my Japan report should start very soon..... <^^;;;

On Friendship
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I was chatting with someone earlier today, and we were on the topic of friendship.
I've wanted to write about this for a long time, but never had a good reason to, so I kept pushing it back to the back of my mind.

But why not now when I have a little time, right?

When I'm friends with someone, I don't expect anything from them.
And I don't want them to expect anything from me, either.
But the keyword here is 'expect'.
If you're friends, then you want to be there for them naturally, because you care.
No obligations, no expectations.

I'm usually too busy to be checking my friends page here on LJ or my entire timeline on Twitter.
I have work and I have kids. There are reasons why my fellow mommy friends aren't regulars on LJ or Twitter anymore.
And I don't feel guilty for not checking my friends page or timeline. (I used to a little bit, though. lol)
Because I do check them if/when I have the time and if/when I want to.

At the same time, I don't expect anybody to read my posts or tweets if they don't want to or don't have the time to, let alone leave comments or tweet back. And that's not to say I don't appreciate them when they do. Actually, that's all the more reason why I do appreciate them.

Oftentimes, people who are nice and patient enough to respond to my ramblings on a regular basis, despite my not reading or responding to their comments, end up being my friends. But this is not at all what I require from potential friends or anything like that. It is simply that, since I'm determined to enjoy my online life within my own limited capacities and time constraints, it just ends up being that way.
And the thing is, if I stretched myself and kept checking my friends posts, etc. despite lack of time, I know that I wouldn't last very long and would have to simply leave the fandom. This I did not want because I knew I'd miss my fandom friends too much, and that's why I stopped stretching myself. I know my limits.
In other words, I set my own limits to online participation, so I wouldn't have to leave my friends.

There are friends that are dear to me who are no longer very active online.
And that's OK. I still love them, and want them to know I'm here if they need me.
I don't expect them to be checking my posts/tweets. But I'm delighted to hear from my friends when they do decide to stop by and say something.

To me, true friendship doesn't involve any expectations or obligations.
Friendship is the knowledge that, if you're in trouble and need someone's support, you can count on them to be there, emotionally, if not physically, and to have your back because they want to, not because they feel like they need to.
This is why I have trouble forming a friendship with anyone who seems to think "What's in it for me?". lol

And this is a bit off-topic, but I want to know what you all think.
What do you think about your online friendships?
Different from your RL friendships?
More important than RL friendships, or less?

I used to wonder if my online friendships were not as 'real' or 'important' to me, or anyone, as RL friendships.
But after forming so many wonderful and deep friendships with people through the fandom, I have come to believe they are indeed very real and beautiful, just like RL friendships can be.
Actually, I've had many RL friends who came and went much faster than my online friends. lol
Of course, it's often frustrating and sad that I can't actually hang out with my online friends.
But some of their friendships over the past months and years have literally saved me, emotionally and psychologically.
And they all came from their hearts.
No obligations, no expectations.
Just the desire to be there for a friend.
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I adore this song.

If you can't watch the video, it's Mirrors by Justin Timberlake.
(Don't talk to me about the video, though, I'd never seen it until now... *___*)

I really really like the album that includes this song, too.
The album's titled The 20/20 Experience.
I'm not a big fan of Timberlake or anything (although I used to LOVE 'NSYNC :'D), but I've really enjoyed some of his songs in the past. He's capable of creating amazing music, and this album, in particular, is full of songs that wow me every time I listen to them. To me, this is absolutely his best album to date, and shows a lot of maturity.
It is frustrating to me that this album's now associated with unpleasant memories I don't want, but I'll keep listening and hopefully paint it with happier colors now.
Oh, if you want to get the album, get it in Target, it comes with two extra songs. lol  (Thanks for telling me about it, JoJo!)

That's not what you expected to read in my journal?


My one-month trip back to Japan was.......
It's hard to describe.
I don't even know where to begin.
And I've been jet-lagged and slapped with a ton of work as soon as I came home.
But I'll get to it, hopefully sooner than later.

Sorry for not commenting back in my last entries, I really have been busy, but I appreciated them all.
Thanks, guys. <3
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Love Letter
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I know some people aren't too fond of GACKT's album, Love Letter.
But to me,
whenever I need some Band-Aid for my heart and soul,
this album does the trick.

It is such a loving and tender album.
Like a warm, soft blanket that envelopes you with a scent so fresh and reassuring.

Like today and yesterday, I've been having these unpleasant, subtle anxieties that made me nervous and bummed out. I don't quite know the reason for them, so I couldn't really do anything about it but to hope for it to pass fast.
But the songs on Love Letter sort of consolidate all these unpleasant feelings in the most incredibly sweetest way possible I don't even fully comprehend, and let me eventually cry it out...., let me get them out of my system... at least temporarily.

It's times like this that I can't thank GACKT enough for his music.
I love his hard-rocking numbers to pieces, too.
But in the end, I think it's these beautiful, gentle ballads that keeps me coming back to him, over and over and over again.
The healing power of his music.

I'll see you on 17th, GACKT!! :'3

Me Lately
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I haven't posted a regular personal post in a long while, have I?
Been having so many things to do, I've had no choice but to neglect LJ a bit. Sorry, LJ... I still love you. ;3;

I'm so tired of being chased by stuff to do right now, I'm gonna take a little time for myself to write this post of no importance or significance. :D

My life for the past couple of months has been..... how should I put it....
Why so long, Val? Why? Collapse )

What a strange post.
Thanks for reading this weirdness, if you did. lol

I'll hopefully change gears and talk about my trip to Japan in the next post, which is coming up in oh-my-god two weeks, away from this craziness... hahahahaha


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