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red rose


My GACKTish Days

and some other days

Beef with Commenting Back
red rose

This is not about anyone on here, I swear.  I'm just venting in general.

I have beef with people not responding to comments, or texts. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to not respond to everything. I do that, too. Nobody can respond to all comments or texts or whatever, especially when they are loaded with them or really busy. So, I don't want to sound like a total hyporite because I sometimes don't respond, but that's usually because I'm too busy and/or I really need to think about the content of the reply.

BUT. Is it so hard to just "like" comments you get, just to acknowledge them?

I don't know. Sometimes when I don't get a response from the same person on different platforms, I wonder if I've done something wrong, EVEN THOUGH I know I didn't do anything, but that's "as far as I know," though. So, that nagging feeling that the person may possibly be upset with me for something I may potentially have done is nasty. And I WOULD ask if I've done something, but why even bother if the last two messages I sent weren't responded to anyway?

Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's petty. But I just feel like people do that so often here in the US. Is it an American thing? I've also noticed, before too long after I started living here in the US, that people make promises way too easily, only to totally forget about it or fail to fulfill. In Japan, when we promise something, we do so with commitment.

I don't think I'm asking for much. It's just commensense. Just a simple yes or no or maybe makes a world of difference, you know? Am I wrong here? Agh.

ETA: Aaaand I feel like a petty idiot because the very person (she isn't the only one, but was the main one) just commented back on FB. It came a bit late, but it was a nice reply. Let me just dig a hole and hide in it for a while.

"We'll all die, so what's the point?"
red rose
That's what my son says.

I was talking to him about adjusting his "screen time" after his doctor told me "maximum of two hours a a day is recommended." I was allowing him up to 4 hours and basically no limit to phone time. I know, it's too much, but it made sense at the time. The point was to give him the responsibility of balancing work and play because the screen time I gave him was based on his grades.
What was I thinking?
If I give him up to 4 hours, OF COURSE he was gonna use it up. Stupid me, really.

He didn't like this change at all. He got upset and started talking back, spouting nonsense as usual.
He said
"I don't see the point in studying. I'm gonna die one day and become a zero. Nothing will remain of me, so it'll all be a waste. So, why bother?"
Yes, I know it's a deflection. He always tries to deflect or blame other people/things for his own failures (OH MY BIG FAT RED BUTTON).
But he's been having this depressing outlook on life for at least a few years now.
He also says he's terrified of dying, and the only hope he has is to grow up and invent something to let him live forever. And yet, when I tell him that he should then get on with learning how to do that by studying and doing well in school, he has other excuses not to do so (but of course).

Oh, my weird 15-year-old son...
I worry about him because he's just not a generally happy kid. Stark contrast from his 10-year-old brother, who is a happy-go-lucky kid, prone to tears against obstacles but bounces right back.
The 15-year-old is not very empathetic or compassionate yet, and I think that contributes to his overall unhappiness because he feels so disconnected from everyone else.
But he is a good kid. He would never try to hurt anyone, and he is very forgiving. He is kind to his friends, and his friends like him.

But what do I do when he says "What's the point of living?" but refuses to accept any spiritual or philosophical approach I personally have toward death?
Like my friend said, though, it's far better than him comtemplating suicide.
I'm just hoping that this accute fear of death is just a phase.

Oh, motherhood.

Sorry, Mom
red rose

I wrote that my mom's an energy sucker (and she is), but we had a nice conversation on the phone last night (Niigata's a snow wonderland now).
It seems we can have a nice conversation as long as I can be patient with her.
I don't respond well when she nags or gossips. That is really draining. My little red button.
But when we do have a nice conversation, it really is nice.
After all, she is my mom, my body came from her body.
And she loves me, and I love her.

Sorry, Mom.

Are you an energy giver or receiver?
red rose
I believe that you either suck up other people's energies or give energies to others.
I guess it also depends on each relationship. I mean, two suckers in a relationship will have to pick one as a sucker or take turns. BUT in general, I think you are either a sucker or a giver.
There is no good or bad in it. It's just how it is.

For example, my mother, a wonderful simple-minded person,  is a sucker. I think she was a giver while I was growing up. I mean, let's face it, ALL kids are suckers by their very nature. So, even my mom had to be a giver.
But now, when we spend any amount of time together, I end up being exhausted and start to withdraw. Then she starts feeling neglected or rejected.
But really, I can only afford to give away so much energy.

I tend to think I'm a giver.
I don't think anybody who spends time with me goes home feeling too depleted. lol
But I sometimes have to spend some time alone just to get recharged, or I'll end up going crazy and depressed. lol

Most people who are suckers never realize that they are, because, for one thing, they don't do it on purpose! It's just who they are.
And most people who are givers don't realize they are, either, but are only vaguely aware that they get easily tired in a party or after being with certain peple.

I sometimes wish I were more a sucker.
I am depleted right now.

Whoa It's 2018
red rose
I've stayed away from this blog for so long. Not really on purpose, I've always wanted to come back and blog again. But my chapter of GACKT frenzy came to an end (although I am still a fan and forever will be), so I guess I didn't feel appropriate to keep writing here.

It's January 5, 2018.
I have gone throuh so many changes in my life since the last time I was here.
I have been through a lot of inner changes in my spiritual journey.
I have grown, and continue to grow, always stumbling along the way.
It never ends.

I've been using FB as of late, but that platform drives me crazy after a while. It's great to keep connected with friends and family, and it is good if you want to engage in political activities with other like-minded people, but that's about it.
I've missed the freedom and semi-anonymity of LiveJournal, and reading back some of the old entries confirmed it.
I need to start blogging here again. Even if I'm the only reader.

So here I am.
I don't even know who's still on here. lol
But I have missed my fandom friends.
Say hi if you're still here.

Not a poem
red rose
When you have a bug in your system that's keeping you sick and tired
And all you seem to do is work work work and catch cat naps
And love makes you dumber than you thought you could ever be

You go out to the world and talk to people
Touched by their smiles and kindness
Even make jokes and laugh with them
And yet you feel they are so alien to you

Then you wonder what sort of mental state you are in

Hunger Game [Spoiler]
red rose
So, I finally watched this movie when I totally had no such time, but I had lots of laundry to fold, so I multi-taksed hahahaha~.
I knew its premise was very similar to the Japanese Battle Royale series.

After watching this, I wanted to say something about it, but since it's almost 5AM and I need to sleep, I'll just make it short.

As a movie, it was actually quite enjoyable. It was a well-made movie overall. But I don't know if they could've pulled it off quite as well without Jennifer Lawrence, though. She's just an outstanding actress.

But I do have qualms about it.

It totally feels like a story out of a parallel universe to me. And I felt the same thing with Battle Royale.
Just the simple premise that human beings, as society as a whole, will make a game (no matter how glorified) out of forcing children to kill each other for the purpose of....providing entertainment as well as maintaining fear in people is so inhuman to me, it just could not happen to our species.
I do know that crueler things have happened in the history of humankind. But never in the form of the entire society (OK, maybe just the ruling class in the movie, but still) enjoying watching children slaughter each other until there's only one left.

And I have a problem when people say things like "This movie is so scary because this could happen right now (or in the near future)!!", and believe me, I have actually heard this said.
I mean.... COME ON, how could you be living in a society where you really think something like that could happen without running far away into the deep woods and mountains and never come back? If I believed something like this could happen to us now, or even in the future hundred years from now, I would be so depressed, I couldn't even function normally. I would lose hope. (Ironically, the reason why they do this competition and have a 'victor' in the end in the movie is to provide people with just enough hope so they'd stay obedient. Uhhhmmm, nope, not working for me.)

I believe in the fundamental goodness in people as a whole.
I believe in the majority of humans having conscience.
I believe that most people would not tolerate such cruelty as 'entertainment', not now, not ever.
So, while I did enjoy the movie and did feel emotional connection with the heroine and some of the other 'tributes', it was as a complete fantasy that could never happen in reality.

No, this wasn't really a rant. X'D
I just wanted to express how flabbergasted I feel when people watch these movies and actually think it could happen in real life.
(I know, it wasn't that short, was it? =3=)

Ah. Bed. Why do I do this to myself...  orz
Well, at least the clothes are folded now.

ETA: Since it seems I didn't make myself clear in the post, it's not the oppressed that have to live with Hunger Games that I find unrealistic. They are realistic. What I find unrealistic are an entire class of people where the majority actually 'enjoy' watching kids murder each other as a form of 'entertainment'. I know how minds can be manipulated, brainwashed. But even then, I cannot bring myself to believe in the existence of 'a large group' of people (meaning, not a group of psychopathic misfits) seeing that as entertainment. If that actually happened, I'd consider that society not one of our own, but of a group of beings born with mutated genes lacking in conscience.

Being Forgiving
red rose
Coni and I were talking about 'being forgiving' the other day.
And I admit, I am a very forgiving person.
Meaning, I don't hold grudges, or see someone in a bad light, because of something they did to me (or think that they did to me) for very long.
And this seems to happen automatically, there's no effort on my part.

Is it because I'm 'nice'? 'Generous'?
Hmmmm, not really. lol

I just don't hold those negative feelings very long because I know they only really hurt me.

I grew up with so much anger and hatred and frustration that, at one point in my life several years ago, I just quit harboring them.
Anger and hatred require soooo much energy, constantly. I just got too tired of feeding them all the time.
Couldn't do it anymore.
They were too much, too heavy, and not allowing me to be the me I was born to be.
So, I quit them.

Maybe that's what it means to 'mature'..., to gain the ability to turn negative energies into positive energies.  I don't know...

Now that I've talked about being forgiving, I'll talk about something that just got me mad. >:D  LMAO

I really didn't know about the most recent G rumor. But enough friends kept mentioning it on Twitter and LJ, I just had to read an article.
Another complete tabloid fantasy. They even got some widely known facts wrong. Oh lord. *cackles*
It made me laugh more than anything, really.
UNTIL I saw them quote his beloved grandmother at the end.

I can't stand it when they abuse love like that, especially of such a great old lady.
And their deep bond and connection.
Totally unacceptable.
There aren't many things that get me mad, but stuff like this does.
Why stoop so low.
What do you tell yourselves when you close your eyes to fall sleep?
Or when you're looking into your childrens' eyes?
And no, don't give me that "I'm only doing this to feed my family" BS, either.

So much for being forgiving, huh?
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Ender's Game
red rose

Today, I went to see Man of Steel with No.1.
Of course, I have other movies I want to watch, too, like Wolverine (but too violent for No.1, maybe) and Pacific Rim (Oh yeah, I LOVE action lol), but Man of Steel directed by Nolan?
Of course I had to go see it.
Anyway, I did like the movie a lot, although I think it could've been better and not quite up to Nolan's usual (magical) standards.
But the actor playing Superman (sorry, I don't even know your name, Mr. Actor-Playing-Superman) was HAAAWWT. =*0*=

But that's not why I'm making a post, as you could probably tell by the title of the post. lol

I LOVE watching trailers before the actual movie starts.
It's one of the highlights of the whole movie-going experience for me. lol
There were some wonderful trailers today, including Thor 2, The Hobbit 2 (OH WHY HELLO MY PRINCE LEGOLAS), Gravity, and Kick-Ass 2. I want to see them ALL. lol

But my eyes got so big when I saw the trailer for Ender's Game!!!!
The boy from Hugo playing Ender!! (I have no objection to this, actually... <3)
After all the issues and obstacles and disappointments, it's finally here... :'D

Why am I so excited?
Why, Ender's Game is only my favorite sci-fi novel of ALL TIME!
Actually, I adore the first three books of the Ender's saga. These books have profound messages behind them, imho.

I was trying so hard not to squeal like a crazy fangirl in the theater. :'D

Well, of course I want the movie to be good, after all these years of hard labor.
But I've actually been waiting to see this on a theater screen for SO LONG that I don't really care too much about the quality, I just want to see it!!! lol

Well, the proof of just how much I love this novel is in plain sight.
Both usernames, excused_early and Val, come from this book.

Time to read the book again?


ETA: What? How come I didn't know until now, you mock me?  I was in Japan for a month when the trailers first came out. Leave me alone. =3=;;;

Giving Thanks
red rose
Now that I've talked about friendship...

I think it's a good opportunity for me to thank someone.

I was going through a really rough time for several months this year.  Well, it actually started around the end of 2012, I guess...
It was a crazy emotional roller coaster ride that I knew I needed to get off of, but simply couldn't/wouldn't.
I spent so many days and nights obsessed about it, crying about it, alternately facepalming and headdesking about it as well as about myself.  I felt like an idiot who couldn't stop being one.

But through it all, Connie was there, supporting me.
She has been the fiercest cheerleader and my personal motivational speaker.  lol
She would listen to my pathetic and ridiculous ramblings with so much patience.
She was there whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. No matter how busy, she tried to be there for me as much as she could.
She understood what I was going through, often without me even having to complete the sentences. lol
She would help me see things from slightly different POVs.
She would make me laugh despite the depressing and frustrating circumstances.
She would cheer me on, telling me I can do the right thing for myself, that I'm strong and deserve much better.
But whenever I didn't do what she'd suggested (despite a looooong convo, even), she would immediately accept it and comfort me, telling me it's OK, without making me feel like a total disappointment and a disaster (which I was).
And then, she would immediately start cheer-leading for me again, trying to help me get out of the unhealthy situation ASAP.
It was a great comfort to know that she would always be there if I really needed someone to talk to, and that she would be there to catch me if that crazy roller coaster ever threw me up in the air and slammed me down to the ground.

But most of all, I thank her for supporting me without passing ANY judgment, without ever preaching to me, and without making me feel more an idiot than I already did anyway.  And for allowing me to make my own mistakes and learn from them, no matter how frustrating it must've been for her at times. lol

Without you, I honestly don't know if I could've survived those months, and it makes me choked up when I think about the gravity of the support you gave me during those months.
It really meant the world to me.
From you, I learned what it really means to support a friend.
I just wanted you to know this, because I wasn't sure if you did. lol

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, my Doom Sister♥
And thank you, GACKT, for allowing us to come together in Japan this summer!

P.S. There are other friends who gave me their support on this issue, too. I want to make sure they know that their support meant so much to me, too. Thank you, guys. You know who you are.

P.P.S.  And yes, my Japan report should start very soon..... <^^;;;